Diary of a perfectionist

Hello, I’m Jayne, and I am a perfectionist. Right now some of you are probably thinking, “Ooooh, she’s a perfectionist. So, she must have it all together.”

Perfectionism is a trait many of us often proudly associate with. The classic response you say in a job interview when asked to name your biggest weakness is … “I’m a perfectionist” But real perfectionism can be devastatingly destructive, leading to crippling anxiety or depression, and it may even be an overlooked risk factor for suicide, argues a paper in Review of General Psychology, a journal of the American Psychological Association.

I have struggled with perfectionism all my life. It often shows up as procrastination, as evidenced by the fact that I am only doing my CC7 now, although having been a Toastmaster for close to … 2 years … True story. You laugh, but perfectionism kills.

Other times, it’s a depression that dodges in and out of my life, a feeling that I am not good enough. Someone could compliment what I've done hundreds of times, and I'll still sit there tearing apart any flaw I observe, flaws that aren't even noticeable to anyone but myself.

And yet, I never invested much in trying to solve the problem. I saw perfectionism as both a blessing and a curse. Yes, it brought me low at times, but a part of me believed it was the trait that helped me to achieve my dreams. Boy, was I wrong?

In one 2007 study done on the rate of suicide in Alaska during 2003-2006, researchers conducted interviews with the friends and family members of people who had recently killed themselves. Without prompting, more than half of the deceased were described as “perfectionists” by their loved ones. Similarly, in a British study of students who committed suicide, 11 out of the 20 students who had died were described by those who knew them as being afraid of failure.

So, what is perfectionism? According to wikipedia.com, perfectionism is simply the need to be perfect, or to at least appear that way. Perfectionists tend to be harsh critics of themselves when they fail to meet their standards.”

But, “Wouldn’t it be good if your surgeon, or your lawyer or financial advisor, is a perfectionist?” said Thomas S. Greenspon, a psychologist and author of a recent paper on an “antidote to perfectionism,” published in Psychology in the Schools. “Actually, no. Research done by Flett, Blackstein, Hewitt and Kolendin confirms that the most successful people in any given field are less likely to be perfectionistic, because for perfectionists. the anxiety about making mistakes gets in your way.” To illustrate this, waiting for the surgeon to be absolutely sure the correct decision is being made could allow for a patient to bleed to death.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want us to confuse perfectionism for excellence. According to Greenspon, excellence is pushing yourself to do your best to achieve a goal, but perfectionistic people typically believe that they can never be good enough, that mistakes are signs of personal flaws, and that the only route to acceptability as a person is to be perfect.”

Dr. Paul Hewitt, in studies since the 1990s, together with his colleague, Dr. Gordon Flett, a professor of psychology at York University in Toronto, Canada, found that perfectionism correlates with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and other mental health problems.

Hewitt and Flett agree with Greenspon that there is a difference between the desire to excel, and the desire to be perfect.

To illustrate the difference, Hewitt tells a story about one of his patients, a depressed university student who was convinced he needed to get an A+ in a particular course.

The student studied hard and aced the class, but when Hewitt saw him afterward, he was even more depressed and suicidal than before. The student proceeded to tell Hewitt that the A+ was just a demonstration of how much of a failure he was, and that if he were perfect, he wouldn't have had to work so hard.

So, how can those who suffer from this ailment overcome it?

Firstly get rid of the fear of failure. A woman was sharing how fear was keeping her from doing things that she needed to do. So her friend said, "Well, do it afraid." Abraham Lincoln says the possibility that we might fail should not deter us from pursuing a cause we believe to be just."

Silicon Valley, home to thousands of tech companies including top corporations like Facebook, Apple, and Google, is known to strongly encourage failure. Entrepreneurs are often giving talks sharing about their own failures. People there live by the mantra “Fail fast, fail often.” They even have an annual conference called FailCon to encourage people to embrace failure. That’s because they recognize that failure is the path of success, and by failing quickly, it is the surest way to learn what works / doesn’t work and grow.

Be vulnerable. Vulnerability is not something I enjoy because it makes you realize you’re not perfect. However, in an interview between Oprah and Dr. Brené Brown, a vulnerability researcher and storyteller, the following words were exchanged: People who are walking around as perfectionists are ultimately afraid that the world is going to see them for who they really are and that they won't measure up, but realise that you’re imperfect and you’re wired for struggle but you are still worthy of love and belonging.

Learn to respect and love yourself. No that you are enough. You … are … enough. We need to learn to love ourselves and our flaws, just as we love others without precondition.

In conclusion: the opposite of perfectionism, which is said to be acceptance is said to be the leading cause of happiness. My prayer for myself and us all is as American theologian, Reinhold Neibuhr said, God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.”

Here’s to my CC7, and many more imperfect speeches!